Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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