margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
