...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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