Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
