I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
