i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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