if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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