I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
