I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
