Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
