Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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