That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
