I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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