..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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