I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
