I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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