I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
