At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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