I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
