my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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