I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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