Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
