And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
