ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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