when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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