I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
