at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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