just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We talked him into tasing himself.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
