Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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