There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
