I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize