Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
another moral hangover. fuck.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
