i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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