This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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