I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
