I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
