I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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