I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
