Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
