well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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