The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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