I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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