I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
