I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize