was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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