im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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