Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
