I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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