I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
