??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
