Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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