Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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