just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
