Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So vagazzling was a success
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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