Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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