I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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