the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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