my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize