After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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