It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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