she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
