My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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