In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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