Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
