i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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